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Wednesday
Jul 30th

What if LeBron James came to the Timberwolves

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lebronWhen LeBron James leaves, I mean, if LeBron James leaves the Cleveland Cavaliers, he will take with him $100 million worth of the value of the Cavaliers’ franchise. Now everybody I know from Ohio “is real good people,” but considering the tough situation with most of their professional sports scene, and the fact that Cleveland is the type of city that comes to mind as the poster child for the recent recession, seeing James and his brand value walk out the door might make Cleveland fans say, “Me too” and follow him up out of there.

So, since LeBron is looking to increase his worldwide brand, and all these nutcases across the country are hosting rallies to woo him to their city, I figured I’d rep for my mid-western home because my hometown Los Angeles Lakers ain’t got enough ball for “Pre-Game NBA Dance King” James. I could just imagine the look on Lakers coach Phil Jackson’s face if Kobe Bryant or Michael Jordan started breaking out in dance routines during a timeout. Jackson isn’t one to display much anger, but the dancing thing might make his hand tremble and rise about ear high above the opposite shoulder, to prepare for a downward backhand blow across the dancer’s cheek.

Now if dancing on the sidelines is James’ game, then the Minnesota Timberwolves fans would be more than happy to add that boogie to the entertainment line-up on First Avenue. There aren’t too many Timberwolves fans that will pass away unfulfilled if the Timberwolves don’t win a championship, so if James can win a bunch of games, and of course bring that $100 million value to our fair city, then I’m sure everyone would be fine if he set-up routines with the cheerleaders and everything. The crowd would go crazy chanting, “Go LeBron! Go Lebron! It’s ya birthday!”

Minnesota is not only the land of 10,000 lakes, but it is also the preferred home for a whole lot of big, beautiful, million-billion kind of Fortune 500 companies. Now if you take the promise of that whole NBA dancing spectacle, and combine it with the consumer technological leadership of Best Buy, I’m sure something like a 3-D holographic King Kong in James’ likeness would be projected scaling the IDS and moonwalking back and forth down Highway 94 in between the Twin Cities. Naturally, this would be followed by a monumental, 3-D, wrestling match between the Green Giant and “LeBron Kong.” I’m sure that General Mills would be willing to plaster James’ smiling grill over every box of cereal. Not Wheaties, but every box of cereal. I mean Cargill, the World leader in “getting the food out,” could even name their products after James. Who else can come in and offer LeBron the chance to be the Worldwide face of grain. Grain! King Grain James they could call him. At first that may sound silly, but grain is a big deal in a lot of places where people like to eat and stuff. Only in Minnesota can LeBron achieve this type of worldwide branding, and only with the Timberwolves is the dancing theme going to take off to its highest heights.

The fact of the matter is that LeBron is sitting at home while Kobe is playing for a fistful of championships because Kobe is focused on the game, and being the greatest basketball player of all-time. James says that he wants to be a worldwide, billionaire brand –and that ain’t got nothing to do with winning basketball games. But if it’s a billionaire brand LeBron wants, Minnesota has the tops in grain, canned cut green beans, post-it notes and flat-screen tvs, baby.

…and no I don’t have anything to say about that internet rumor involving James’ momma! Some stuff gotta stay in the barbershop.

 

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